Seniors Matter(s): Sexuality as a senior

I was sitting in a meeting last week when a friend of mine brought up my book and thanked me for all the topics that got his family thinking of the future.

He also mentioned that many chapters were beginning points for discussion (downsizing, wills, travel, etc.).

He asked me where the chapter was on Sex and Seniors.

Up until now, it was blatantly missing.

He mentioned that my research on Diabetes, the China Study, healthy active lifestyles, and so forth, were great reads, so why not any research on seniors and sex?

So, here we go.

I was going to call this “Sex in the Seventies,” but I thought some people might confuse the decade with the demographics of seniors.

Like many of the topics I have written about, the following is my research, as I am NOT an expert on this topic (quit laughing, probably you aren’t either).

What I did find is that seniors are sexually active in a number of meaningful ways, so this becomes a good news review and not a lamenting of yet another loss.

The level of sexual interest and activity among people over the age of 65 is as diverse as the individuals who make up that population.

A survey of married men and women showed that 87 per cent of married men and 89 per cent of married women in the 60-64 age range, are sexually active. Those numbers drop with advancing years, but 29 per cent of men and 25 per cent of women over the age of 80 are still sexually active.

Research clearly shows that the desire for intimacy does not decrease with age, and there is no age at which intimacy, including physical intimacy, is inappropriate. However, the disorders and emotional changes that often occur with aging can interfere with developing and maintaining an intimate relationship. Aging can also change the way intimacy is expressed.

When we were younger, sex was all about intercourse, everything else was just foreplay. Many stories may include tales of chandeliers and the likes.

As we age, intercourse may no longer be an option. Many post-menopausal women experience painful intercourse that can’t be solved, no matter how much lube they use. Many older men have trouble maintaining an erection (even with medication). It’s the same thing for orgasms. When you’re younger, good sex means everybody has an orgasm. That may not be the case for older men and women. Therefore, couples often shift from intercourse to intimacy.

Intimacy was a word I saw repeatedly in my readings, and it made sense to me since it describes a person’s need and wants for physical closeness and affection.

So, what does “sex” mean if intercourse can’t happen, and orgasms aren’t a sure thing? This is the core question that every older couple must do their best to address openly, honestly, and lovingly. This would be a discussion or series, thereof, in which individuals must find compassion for themselves and their bodies, as well as for their partner.

It is a well-known fact that intimacy is vital to our individual health and the health of a relationship. It is a meaningful and deeply-satisfying experience whether either partner has an orgasm or not. We all love orgasms, but as human beings, we crave closeness. Once the focus on penetration and orgasm is removed, a leisurely relaxed path to mutual stimulation/pleasure becomes the focus point with no time limit or final expectations.

Clearly, aging brings about natural changes, both physically and emotionally. When couples move from defining sex as sexual intercourse to sexual intimacy, such as holding, stroking, touching, kissing, adult toys, then loving and sexual closeness/sexual intimacy are the same. They are also the elements that human relationship can’t live without. This closeness actually generates a hormonal response called Oxytocin that changes brain chemistry and makes us feel happier and more content.

It seems that intimacy is a great way to affirm the love of life. It expresses the closeness of our deepest relationships and is an important measure of quality of life. But while the desire for some form of physical connection is there, older couples have to accept, and adjust to the reality, that their bodies have changed with age. Just as we move from running to walking or from singles tennis to doubles as we age, the way we experience sex has to reflect how our bodies work, or don’t work, today.

Many sexual myths and stereotypes work against older people and challenge whether the expression of sexuality in old age is appropriate. Despite studies reporting that older people can be potentially sexually active into later life, society still continues to devalue older people’s sexuality. Sexuality is still considered the province of youth, and studies show this influences older adults’ own feelings of attractiveness and sexuality.

The world likes to pretend that older couples don’t have sex, don’t want sex, and don’t even think about sex.

But the reality about seniors and sex couldn’t be more different. For couples in their 60s, 70s, 80s and beyond, the desire for sex doesn’t disappear. Men and women want, and need, to experience a physical expression of intimacy, closeness and love no matter what their age. A need for intimacy is core to what makes us human, it’s literally hardwired into our DNA.

What needs to happen is for people to let go of old sexual habits and expectations, and focus on being sensual and enjoying all the ways you can feel sexy alone or with a partner. Couples need to be patient and go slowly! By exploring different types of touch and the different things that make you feel sexy and confident, mutual satisfaction can be more easily achieved

It seems to start by gently bringing up the subject of sex, sharing fears or worries with your partner and clearly communicating what you like and don’t like. You may have to plan sex more, but you can use these planned times to ensure maximum comfort and pleasure!

One of the articles I found proclaimed, “The best positions for senior sex.” I think that’s just a ridiculous idea. As if having good sex just about your position (they’d never write an article about the best positions for couples in their 30s). There’s no BEST but only what works for each partner. The most important part of finding what works is the willingness to talk about sex and what’s working and isn’t, and a willingness to explore reasonable variations.

A lot of men are embarrassed to talk about Erectile Dysfunction (ED) because they assume it is some kind of sexual inadequacy on their part, but this is not true. It can be your body’s or mind’s way of indicating there is an issue that needs addressing.

There are a number of physical causes and medications that can cause ED. Physical causes usually stem from damage to the blood vessels that carry blood to the penis or to the nerves (prostate) or ones that carry signals of arousal from the brain to the blood vessels, themselves.

For example, ED can be caused by a stroke, diabetes, hardening of the arteries, smoking, Parkinson’s Disease, alcoholism, Multiple Sclerosis (MS), liver or kidney failure, brain or spinal-cord injuries, Hypogonadism, or radiation to the testicles (treatment for prostate cancer). Clinically, ED is not just a physical health problem. The mind-body connection is strong, and how a man feels or what he thinks has direct impact on what his body does.

Mental causes of ED include stress, anxiety, depression, and grief. For example, a man who has experienced ED once may begin to worry that it will happen again. The anxiety he feels becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy because he cannot relax, and his body responds by shutting down.

I also found out that adapting our sex life to be in sync with our older bodies, requires courage. The courage to change and the courage to be open, honest, and vulnerable with our partner. You have to open your mind and get away from the idea that if it’s not traditional intercourse, than it’s not really sex. That path just leads to dissatisfaction and loneliness.

I learned that talking about intimacy opens the path to better intimacy. It is a difficult topic for some couples to start. I found a card game, called “Intimacy,” that triggers responses from partners and can be used as a conduit to learning more and trying some new, or forgotten, things.

Lengthy foot rubs, back rubs, etc. may not lead to intercourse but can become a meaningful unlimited time of mutual pleasure. It seems that talking about sex is much easier said than done. We’ve all grown up with so many taboos around our bodies and sex that it can be very hard to communicate.

It’s sad, but many older couples have stopped having sex, even though both partners want sex. The barrier to sex isn’t physical; it’s that one or both partners are too embarrassed to admit to their partner that things have changed, and they can’t perform the way they used to. Instead of talking about it, they’ll just say, “I don’t want to” or “I can’t,” because a deeper and more intimate conversation is too scary.

THE DATING GAME REVISITED

Some seniors are single again after years with one intimate partner. Others have never hooked up with a long-term partner but haven’t been in the dating scene for a while. Still, others are in the process of “coming out” and openly seeking a same-sex partner for the first time in their lives.

Regardless of the circumstances, it can be nerve-wracking to be back in the dating scene later in life. You may be ready to date but you aren’t sure what the rules of the game are anymore. The basic rules are the same:
 

• Respect yourself
• Respect your partner
• Communicate
• Use protection
• Have fun

As a senior, you may no longer have to worry about unplanned pregnancy, but you have to protect yourself from sexually-transmitted infections (STIs). These have no age limit and if you are sexually active, you need to practise safe sex. The most important protection is to learn how to use a condom and lots of lubrication to negotiate safer sex with your partner.

In conclusion, I found the following:
 

• If it is to be, it is up to me. I’ll say it again - If it is to be it is up to me!
• If it isn’t happening, start by looking in the mirror. Each journey starts with one small step.
• As with all things dealing with us in our golden years, a healthy intimate sexual relationship is difficult, often neglected, yet extremely rewarding.
• Having a vigorous, regular fulfilling intimate relationship is having a good sex life.
• No one asked what exactly happened at 20, nor should they at 80.
• Senior sex is as varied as it is for every generation.
• Same rule applies to everything – use it or lose it!
• If you are using the chandelier after age 70, I suggest you have 911 on speed dial!

Sleep tight.

‘Till next time!