​Seniors Matter(s): 60 years of marriage!

Til death us part?

One of these days, Alice ... to the moon (yes, you do remember this!).

In Biblical days, you were born, endured a busy and demanding childhood, worked hard for 25 years and the died. Pretty simple.

I feel lucky to be living in such promising times despite the consistent challenges we face.

So where am I going with this?

Well, as in living well, 60 years of marriage takes a whole lot of effort, luck, commitment, and attention.

Good people can be bad at relationships.

There are hundreds of books written about relationships and marriage that are chucked full of good ideas for reflection and mutual growth.

I am familiar with a few of these books, such as the “Five Languages of Love”(addressed in part two), “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” and “The Love and Respect Workbook.”

Marriage is one of the lengthiest endeavours we engage in, other than golf! I don’t use this analogy lightly as I have golfed for 60 years. I have maintained a reasonable game over the years, acknowledging age and physical limitations.

Can you or I say we have done the same in other aspects of our lives?

Health books, diet books, exercise books abound to help us maintain healthy lifestyles.

Marriage counselling doesn’t fill nearly as much shelf space unless on the tabloid section.

I have discovered that reading and working on some of the points raised in marriage counselling books can develop, or at least highlight, where relationships may have fallen off the tracks and need some re alignment.

A lifetime together necessitates working through many challenges or filling closets with unaddressed history.

The “Five Love Languages” is as practical as it is insightful. Updated to reflect the complexities of relationships today, this new edition reveals intrinsic truths, and applies relevant, actionable wisdom in ways that work.

The book includes a Couple's Personal Profile assessment so you can discover your love language and that of your loved one.

Aretha Franklin’s song, “Respect,” addressed one of the cornerstones of every successful relationship.

Some may think that “love” and “respect” are synonymous; but they are, in fact, quite different. It is possible to respect someone but not love him, and vice versa. For example, you may love a relative, but lack respect because of that person’s toxic behaviour toward his spouse. Or you might respect someone for overcoming a difficult situation, but not actually like him much. Here’s where “Meatloaf” comes into play: “Two of three ain’t bad!”

I’m not saying that 66-per-cent effort is reasonable; rather, if two areas are working than the third can become a focus for the relationship. I’m not sure how working on two (example like/respect) would work out.

The main difference between love and respect boils down to this: love is a feeling of affection toward someone, while respect is an admiration for him based on who he is as a person.

Respect allows both partners to feel valued, encouraged, and safe.

Respect supports the following basic human needs:
 

• Builds self-confidence
• Allows for independence
• Improves communication
• Helps you make better decisions individually and as a couple
• Improves conflict skills
• Motivates you to work things out during rough patches
• Creates an emotional safe space
• Builds trust

Trust, communication, and respect are all key ingredients in the recipe for a successful relationship.

If you believe your relationship is lacking respect, there are ways to improve it! Here are a few tips for building a relationship based on respect:
 

• Support each other’s interests
• Work on your communication skills
• Set realistic expectations of each other
• Be open and honest about how you believe respect should be shown
• Take responsibility for your actions, especially during arguments
• Never stop asking questions about each other’s needs, wants, and goals
• Respect boundaries and personal space
• Talk to each other as much as possible
• Validate each other’s feelings, even if you don’t agree with them

At the end of the day, you and your partner are human beings. You each have your own ideas, opinions, values, and beliefs — and if you are trying to change or control your partner, you’re not offering the respect your partner deserves. Respect means you hold each other in high regard while showing admiration and appreciation. When you do, you’ll create a healthy, lasting, and loving relationship.

The “New York Times” bestseller, “Getting the Love You Want.” has helped millions of people experience more satisfying relationships and is recommended every day by professional therapists and happy couples around the world.

Dr. Harville Hendrix and Dr. Helen LaKelly Hunt explain how to revive romance and remove negativity from daily interactions, to help you:
 

• Discover why you chose your mate
• Resolve the power struggle that prevents greater intimacy
• Learn to listen – really listen – to your partner
• Increase fun and laughter in your relationship
• Begin healing early childhood experiences by stretching into new behaviours
• Become passionate friends with your partner
• Achieve a common vision of your dream relationship

Some of the do's and don'ts of marriage.
 

• DON'T be selfish. DO put your spouse first.
• DON'T be rude. DO be kind.
• DON'T bring up their past mistakes. DO forgive.
• DON'T anger easily. DO be patient.
• DON'T be proud. DO be humble.

“The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work,” which is the culmination of Dr. John Gottman’s lifelong work, is an interesting overview of the concepts, behaviours, and skills that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship.

Straightforward in its approach, yet profound in its effect, the principles outlined in this book teach partners new and startling strategies for making their marriage work. Gottman has scientifically analyzed the habits of married couples and established a method of correcting the behaviour that puts thousands of marriages on the rocks. He helps couples focus on each other, on paying attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship.

Packed with questionnaires and exercises, whose effectiveness has been proven in Gottman’s workshops, this is the definitive guide for those who want to explore their relationship to attain its highest potential.

His seven principles are:
 

1. Share Love Maps - This is where all the information learned about our partners gets stored. One example of information gathered and stored is the things that they like and things that they dislike.
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration - This is showing that you care about the other person and focusing on and acknowledging the positives. The basis for this starts in friendship.
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away - This is doing things together and showing the other person that he is valued. It is taking the time to listen and not telling him you don’t have time.[3]
4. Let Your Partner Influence You - This is sharing the decision-making and being willing to both make decisions and respect your partner’s decisions.
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems - This is realizing which problems can be solved and solving them using skills for managing conflict, which include using softened start-up, repair and de-escalation, physiological self-soothing, accepting what you cannot change, accepting influence, and compromise.
6. Overcome Gridlock - This is figuring out what is causing a block in your life and taking steps to overcome this block. It does not necessarily mean fixing problems but taking steps to overcome them.
7. Create Shared Meaning - This is creating a life that is shared and meaningful for both of you.

“Marriage isn’t about just raising kids, splitting chores, and making love. It can also have a spiritual dimension that has to do with creating an inner life together – a culture rich with symbols and rituals, and an appreciation for your roles and goals that link you, that lead you to understand what it means to be part of the family you have become” (Gottman and Silver, 1999).

Next.

One night, during his divorce, after one too many vodkas and a call with his phone-in therapist who told him to journal his feelings, Matthew Fray needed to figure out how his ex-wife went from the 18-year-old who adored him to the angry woman who left him. Matthew began to realize that even though he was a decent guy, he was a bad husband.

Out came his best-seller, “This Is How Your Marriage Ends!” The book, with a humorous, counter-intuitive approach, identifies relationship-killing behaviours and offers solutions to break free from the cycles of destruction.

Matthew discovered an important word — “invalidate.” He goes on to describe how his wife would sometimes ruin an otherwise perfectly good night at home or dinner conversation by accusing him of “invalidating her feelings,” to which he ’d usually roll his eyes at his silly, overly sensitive wife and her cute little feelings.

Feelings aren’t facts, right? So, facts matter, and feelings don’t — a convenient excuse to fall back on any time the topic was about something impacting her emotionally but not affecting him. “It’s always about what Matt wants,” she’d say. I’d get angry (and all of the sudden feelings mattered!) and remind her that she’s the one who started it by freaking out because I apparently didn’t do or say what she wanted me to. I’m not a mind-reader, freak-o!”

Even today, he thinks back on his marriage as a relationship with fights about things that didn’t matter. Little, insignificant things that would be blown out of proportion - a dozen years of being unable to see the forest for the trees.

He realized that each one of those fights mattered. They signalled that something was wrong, and dismissed or ignored for years, every one of those fights was the result of a conversation where one or both made a thoughtless, selfish, emotionally-impulsive, and undisciplined choice. (Remember those closets I mentioned?)

Matt finally realized that invalidating feelings became a routine part of his conversations with his wife. One of the thousands of paper cuts that would eventually cause their marriage to bleed to death. The book was not exactly my taste, often using coarse language, and he really was a jerk too many times until it was too late.

Let’s wrap it up here for now. I believe this topic deserves a further look.

As most of the topics I write about, I am far from an expert on any of them. Remember, longevity (golf) doesn’t always ensure success. I just try and put it out there.

It seems the more you put into something, the more you get out!

‘Till next time!